Signs of an Abusive Relationship
by S. Brandsen
Content Warning: abuse, ableism
Overview: In a healthy relationship, you should feel safe and comfortable with your partner. Healthy relationships also involve respect. For example, if you do not want to be touched in a certain way, your partner should respect that.
Some relationships are abusive or unhealthy. The goal of this list is to help people check whether their relationship may be unhealthy. This list is made for people with intellectual or developmental disabilities (IDD) and so it also discusses types of abuse that more commonly happen to people with IDD.
The recommended way to use this list is to read each item and decide if it applies to your relationship or not. Each item describes a potential problem in a relationship. If some items on the list describe your relationship, we recommend that you talk to a trusted person or therapist.
Some of the items on the list are written in red. These items are serious signs of abuse. If any of the red items describe your relationship, please talk to a trusted person or therapist as soon as possible.
If you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it is not your fault. You deserve support and help in leaving the abusive relationship.
Isolation and Control
1.) My partner doesn’t like it when I spend time with friends. For example, my partner makes me feel guilty for talking to friends.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
2.) My partner doesn’t like it when I spend time on a special interest. For example, my partner often sighs or rolls their eyes when I talk about my special interest.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
3.) My partner insults my special interest. (For example, if my hobby is outer space, my partner will say that it is “weird” to memorize many facts about outer space.)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
4.) My partner doesn’t like it when I access support services (e.g. student support services, tutoring, therapy, medical services, occupational therapy.)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
5.) My partner says I don’t really need support services. (For example, my partner says that I don’t really need therapy and I should try to just think more positively.)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
6.) My partner only lets me go to appointments if they get to pick out the provider or if they get to come with me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
7.) My partner doesn’t like it when I talk to my family. For example, my partner makes me feel guilty for talking to my family.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
8.) My partner wants me to rely on them for all my support needs.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
9.) My partner wants to know my schedule at all times.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
10.) My partner expects me to return their calls and texts immediately.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
11.) Sometimes my partner stops me from going places (walking, shopping, meeting friends, etc.)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
12.) Sometimes my partner forces me to go places that are overwhelming for me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
13.) My partner does not respect my social limits. For example, my partner will force me to socialize even when it is difficult or stressful for me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
14.) My partner tries to control the way that I talk to other people. For example, my partner forces me to make eye contact or forces me to sit still.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
15.) My partner doesn’t want me to have any friends who are neurodivergent or disabled.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
16.) My partner controls the language that I am allowed to use to talk about my disability (or any part of my identity.)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
Abusive language and threatening behaviours
1.) My partner calls me names.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
2.) My partner yells at me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
3.) My partner talks to me in “baby talk” or as if I am a small child.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
4.) My partner insults my intelligence or calls me “stupid”.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
5.) My partner makes fun of me for needing support. For example, they make fun of me for not being able to drive and needing other sources of transportation.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
6.) My partner sometimes takes away (or threatens to take away) access to necessary support. For example, my partner usually insists on driving me to my appointments. But if they are angry, they might suddenly refuse to drive me and so I am not able to go to the appointment.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
7.) My partner threatens to tell other people that I am faking my disability.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
8.) I feel like I have to be very careful with what I say, or my partner will be angry with me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
9.) My partner threatens to hurt me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
10.) My partner has physically harmed me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
11.) My partner often makes me feel bad about myself.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
12.) My partner touches me even when I communicate that it is uncomfortable.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
13.) My partner threatens to hurt or kill themselves if I leave them.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
Gaslighting
1.) My partner says that I can’t trust my own judgment. (For example, my partner says things like “you’re autistic, you don’t know anything about social situations.”)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
2.) When my partner controls my behaviour, they say they are “helping me” or “fixing me”.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
3.) Sometimes my partner insults me, but later they say that I misunderstood them. For example, they might say that the insult was really just sarcasm or a joke.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
4.) My partner says that their memory is better than mine and so I should trust their memory.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
5.) My partner tells me that I did hurtful things that I do not remember doing. Then they say that I must have forgotten.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
6.) My partner sometimes says that I am over-reacting to discomfort. (For example, if I find loud sudden noises uncomfortable, they will tell me that I need to “get over it.”)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
7.) My partner says that I can’t expect them to understand my feelings or boundaries because my communication is “too confusing” or “too hard to understand”.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
8.) My partner will tell me that other people are annoyed with me, even when it doesn’t seem true.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
9.) My partner tells me that other people only talk with me out of sympathy.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
10.) I feel more afraid or unsure of myself when I am around my partner.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
Using Privilege or Ableist language
1.) My partner says that I am a burden or that I have “too many” needs.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
2.) My partner says that I should be grateful to them. My partner says I would never be able to take care of myself without their help.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
3.) In social situations, my partner will insist on talking for me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
4.) My partner tells other people about my diagnoses (autism, intellectual disability, etc) or my support needs even when it makes me uncomfortable.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
5.) My partner tells other people that I am confused or that I can’t understand them (in situations where it is not helpful)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
6.) My partner tells me that other people say I am weird or don’t like me.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
7.) My partner makes hurtful “jokes” or comments about my disabilities.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship
8.) My partner is usually dismissive or doesn’t listen when I try to talk about my experiences with being disabled.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
9.) My partner invalidates my disability. (For example, my partner questions if I am really autistic or asks me to “prove” that I am really autistic.)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
10.) My partner is dismissive of my accommodation needs. For example, they might use language or words that I can’t understand and then make fun of me for not understanding.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
11.) My partner often shows me videos, articles, or other media that talk about disability in a negative or hurtful way.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
12.) My partner imitates my disability to make fun of me. (For example, if I stutter my partner might imitate my stutter in an exaggerated way.)
Yes, this is true for me.
No, this is not true for me.
Other
1.) My partner is unkind to staff at restaurants, stores, etc.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
2.) My partner has been abusive or hurtful to their previous partners.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
3.) My partner is unkind to animals.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
4.) My partner makes hurtful or demeaning remarks towards marginalized groups of people.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
5.) My partner makes fun of some people for their appearance.
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
6.) My partner has uncontrolled road rage. (For example, my partner will shake their fist or yell at other cars when driving.)
Yes, this has happened in my relationship.
No, this has not happened in my relationship.
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