Therapist guide: Neurodiversity-focused signs of abuse
by S. Brandsen
The goal of this therapist guide is to briefly summarize and provide a few examples of ways that neurodivergent individuals may experience abuse. For example, many therapists may be aware that someone becoming isolated from their friends is a potential indicator of abuse. On the other hand, neurodiversity-focused types of isolation (Where someone’s partner isolates them from their special interests or from needed supports) may go overlooked.
If a patient is looking for feedback on whether their relationship is potentially abusive/unhealthy, a more comprehensive checklist that you can use with patients can be found in our Signs of Abuse in a Relationship checklist.
1.) Using the person’s diagnosis against them.
Examples:
Saying that someone can’t trust their own judgment because of their neurodivergence (e.g. "you're autistic, what do you know about social situations?")
Saying that someone would never be able to make it on their own because of their support needs (e.g. "you can't even take care of yourself, what would you do without me")
2.) Withholding access to supports, or only allowing the individual to access supports under certain conditions.
Examples:
For couples with shared finances, this could include telling the individual that therapy (or occupational therapy, or other services) are “too expensive”, even when it is well within their budget
It could also include only allowing the individual to access supports such as occupational therapy when the abusive partner is also allowed to sit in, or only allowing the individual to see therapists/clinicians who have been picked out by the abusive partner
3.) Minimizing or belittling support needs.
Examples:
Telling someone with anxiety to “get over” their panic attack
Expecting a partner to push through sensory discomfort.
4.) Amplifying stigma/ableism that the individual faces from others.
Examples:
Someone prefers to make less eye contact. Sometimes, they face stigma for this. Their partner amplifies these comments, frequently saying things like “are you sure you want to go out for dinner with the group? You know that people in the group won’t feel comfortable with you unless you make more eye contact, right?”)
5.) Attempting to “fix” an individual’s neurodivergence
Examples:
Requesting a partner to sit still
Tell an individual that it is "embarrassing if they act autistic" and force them to hide or mask neurodivergent traits
6.) Purposefully exploiting areas which are confusing for an individual.
Examples:
If someone finds sarcasm confusing, an abusive partner might threaten them and then claim it wasn’t really a threat, it was just joking/sarcasm (gaslighting?)
If someone is very concerned about punctuality, an abusive partner might purposefully cause them to be late
If someone finds it challenging to be punctual, an abusive partner might bombard them with unkind messages and calls when they are 10 seconds late under the guise of “helping them improve their punctuality”
If someone has differences in social communication (e.g. a constantly quiet voice/demeanor), an abusive partner might violate the person’s consent and then claim that it was an accident and didn’t really count because the person wasn’t “assertive enough” when setting boundaries
7.) Being unwilling to discuss or acknowledge the individual’s experiences with ableism.
Examples:
Being unwilling to discuss potential power dynamics in relationships where one person is neurodivergent and one person is relatively neurotypical (or where one person has significantly higher support needs).
Being unwilling to acknowledge how neurodiversity might intersect with other aspects of a person’s identity such as race, financial privilege, gender identity, orientation, etc.
8.) Discouraging the person from finding neurodiversity-affirming supports.
Examples:
Discouraging the person from connecting with other neurodivergent individuals
Trying to prevent the person from feeling deserving of supports by questioning whether the person is “really neurodivergent”
9.) Trying to isolate the individual from their special interest.
Examples:
Telling the person that they spend too much time on learning about outer space, and need to invest more of that time into the relationship
Making fun of the person’s special interest, describing it as “weird” or “childish”
10.) Attributing other aspects of a person’s identity (such as gender variance) to their neurodiversity in a way that is dismissive.
Examples:
“You only think you’re trans because you’re autistic”
“I don’t know if someone like you should be making major decisions like getting a tattoo”.
11.) Purposefully exposing the individual to ableist news articles or media.
Examples:
Articles that depict autistic individuals as burdens to those around them
Articles about "neurodivergent relationships" that place all fault on the neurodivergent partner
12.) Taking away autonomy regarding disclosure of neurodiversity.
Examples:
On one hand, this could look like forcing the individual to not disclose that they are neurodivergent
On the other hand, this could look like telling others about the individual’s neurodiversity/support needs even when the individual is uncomfortable. This could be done for the purpose of embarrassing the individual. Alternatively, an abusive partner might depict themselves as a caregiver for the individual, and might depict the neurodivergent individual as a burden
13.) Fetishizing the person based on their neurodiversity/disability and/or treating the person like an experiment or a representative of all neurodivergent people
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