Everyone Deserves Love and Respect: What Abuse can Look Like for Neurodivergent People
A Guide for Individuals and Therapists
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Trigger Warning: abuse, ableism
Abusive relationships can often leave the victim of abuse afraid, isolated, and disoriented. Abuse often leads to self-doubt: someone who is being abused might begin to doubt themselves, blame themselves for the abuse, or even feel guilty for thinking about leaving the relationship. Identifying that a relationship is abusive and taking the steps to leave can be an incredibly difficult and frightening process, and it is critical that someone have access to safe and supportive services during this time.
Abuse and Disabilities
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, an individual tries to leave an abusive relationship seven times before experiencing success. [1] Individuals with disabilities are more likely to experience abuse than individuals without disabilities [2]. We know that in order to leave abusive relationships, victims need access to support. For people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD), accessing supports can be an especially challenging process filled with additional barriers.
One in three adults with intellectual disabilities experiences at least one instance of sexual abuse. [3] However, children with developmental and intellectual disabilities are disproportionately likely to be excluded from sexual education in school. This is especially true for children who are identified by the school as needing significant support (i.e. children who have IEPs.) Only 47.4% of autistic children with IEPs and 44.6% of children with intellectual disabilities with IEPs receive reproductive health education. [4]
“How many of us might hesitate to seek help because - throughout our lives - we have received the constant message that we are broken and that if anything goes wrong in a relationship, the problem is likely us?”
Abuse and Milton’s Double Empathy Problem
Autistic individuals are often stereotyped as being uncaring and emotionless. Most articles on relationships between a non-autistic and autistic individual focus on how difficult it must be for a non-autistic person to be with an autistic person. According to an article from GoodTherapy: [5]
“When a neurotypical woman is married to a man who has the behaviors associated with autism spectrum (ASD), several things typically occur. Over the course of her marriage, she experiences herself as gradually disappearing. In the place of her former self emerges a person she barely recognizes. She is so lonely. So hurt. So … angry.” – Sarah Swenson, GoodTherapy
These beliefs and viewpoints are dangerous and examples of Milton’s double empathy problem. The core of this problem is that it is more difficult for non-autistic individuals to understand and empathize with autistic individuals. Social support is a key factor in supporting victims in leaving abusive relationships. [6] Victims who were blamed for the abuse and/or were met with disbelief experienced increased psychosocial distress. [7].
How might these beliefs and messages affect an autistic person’s perception of themselves in a relationship? How many of us might hesitate to seek help because—throughout our lives—we have received the constant message that we are broken and that if anything goes wrong in a relationship, the problem is likely us? How many of us have come to view abuse as inevitable after a lifetime of dealing with bullying, harassment, and stigma for being different? (These barriers are likely to be particularly amplified for people with higher support needs or who are also marginalized in other ways.)
“How many of us have come to view abuse as inevitable after a lifetime of dealing with bullying, harassment, and stigma for being different?”
How often might clinicians (even subconsciously) misinterpret an autistic patient’s differences in communication as “unreliable” or “dishonest”? If research is any indication, eye contact and sitting relatively still without fidgeting are two primary indicators that many people use to gauge trustworthiness [8]—a result which is most unfortunate for those of us who are much more comfortable stimming, fidgeting, and making less eye contact!
Seeking help and access to resources and supports is crucial when trying to leave abusive relationships. And yet for neurodivergent individuals, the increased potential of being blamed for their abuse and lack of resources designed specifically for neurodivergent individuals makes this process even more challenging. This is why we have worked to create a clear, readable resource to help individuals and therapists identify signs that a relationship might be abusive or unhealthy.
Supports for Neurodivergent Individuals and Therapists
In an effort to support all individuals, we have created a checklist, Signs of an Abusive Relationship, designed to capture signs of abuse that may be specific to neurodiverse relationships. To help therapists support their neurodivergent clients, we have also created Therapist Guide: Neurodiversity-Focused Signs of Abuse.
Many standard domestic violence prevention resources can miss nuances and signs that are neurodivergent specific. For example, many abusive relationships involve some element of isolation and control. In a neurodiverse relationship, this could mean that someone with IDD is isolated from necessary support services. This could also look like an autistic person being isolated from their favourite interest/special interest or controlling when and how the person is allowed to talk about their interest.
Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that is common in abusive relationships. Gaslighting occurs when an abusive individual claims their partner’s memories or interpretation of events is not true/did not occur. Gaslighting can also appear in a way that is IDD-specific. An abusive partner might weaponize their partner’s diagnosis and claim that their partner’s intellectual or developmental disability makes it impossible for them to accurately remember or interpret events. For example, an autistic person might be threatened by their abusive partner, only to later be told that the threat was “just a joke” and that it is their fault for not realizing it was sarcasm.
Future Directions
While there is still much more to be done, we hope that this guide can play some role in addressing the urgent need for better support services for survivors of abusive relationships (particularly those with IDD or who are otherwise neurodivergent). We hope to continue improving our resources, and welcome any feedback for this tool.
We’re thrilled to offer these resources for free. Interested in supporting our programs and advocacy efforts so that we can continue to offer free and low-cost resources like this one?
References:
Buel, S. M., 50 Obstacles to Leaving. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/get-help-50-obstacles-to-leaving/
Breiding MJ, Armour BS. The association between disability and intimate partner violence in the United States. Ann Epidemiol. 2015 Jun;25(6):455-7. doi: 10.1016/j.annepidem.2015.03.017. Epub 2015 Mar 31. PMID: 25976023; PMCID: PMC4692458.
Tomsa, R., Gutu, S., Cojocaru, D., Gutiérrez-Bermejo, B., Flores, N., & Jenaro, C. (2021). Prevalence of Sexual Abuse in Adults with Intellectual Disability: Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. International journal of environmental research and public health, 18(4), 1980. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18041980
Laura Graham Holmes, PhD; Jessica E. Rast, MPH; Anne M. Roux, MPH, MA; Emily F. Rothman, ScD. Reproductive Health and Substance Use Education for Autistic Youth. Pediatrics (2022) 149
Swenson, S. (2016, April 20). Married with undiagnosed ASD: Why women who leave lose twice, GoodTherapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164
Cravens, J. D., Whiting, J. B., & Aamar, R. O. (2015). Why I Stayed/Left: An Analysis of Voices of Intimate Partner Violence on Social Media. Contemporary Family Therapy, 37(4), 372–385.doi:10.1007/s10591-015-9360-8
Edwards, K. M., Dardis, C. M., Sylaska, K. M., & Gidycz, C. A. (2014). Informal Social Reactions to College Women’s Disclosure of Intimate Partner Violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 30(1), 25–44.doi:10.1177/0886260514532524
Lim, A., Young, R.L. & Brewer, N. Autistic Adults May Be Erroneously Perceived as Deceptive and Lacking Credibility. J Autism Dev Disord 52, 490–507 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-021-04963-4